weekend

so i am sitting here thinking, but about what? I'm going out soon with a friend but want to blog alittle bit. So yes we all know i have issues. They are a huge part of who i am today. They give me alot of the reasons i feel strongly about things and why i believe somethings that i do. This summer also gave me a safe enviorment to talk, with all the work we had to do it only came up in generally 1 or 2 o'clock conversations in the morning. However we have more time here and there are a few ppl trying to figure me out. We like to talk about camp, or ppl everywhere love to talk about their families. . . friends are always good too, but nothing too deep, they shy away from deep conversation or talk about social issues. Sometimes we talk music, hehe, we are just crazy ppl. But i shy away from telling people my big issues. Like hum. . . 1, abusive father 2, depression/suicidal 3, bulimic 4, cutter 5, had household responsibilities (cook, clean, take care of the famiy) alot of me is tied up in there. When you have alot of work to do (like at camp) these conversations can easily be limited. But we live together here and yeah have to study but the conversations go there. I don't want sympathy. I however do want to be part of things so most of the time i end up going and having fun and trying to limit my input to these type conversations. Idk. . .

I start work tomorrow. assistant teach swim lessons from 8-12 every saturday. Interesting. . . i'm excited, working with kids, and get some time in the pool. I do not apply for the free counseling services offered here on campus (basically i come from a middle class white family with both my parents married and they both went to college therefore i am normal) however there are a couple support groups that i am looking a little bit more into, something i should do for myself. I don't know what to think of the fact that i help almost all my friends in all my classes with their homework, especially theory. I have a bunch of history papers to read, i just. .. i don't know. I can't ignore my past, been there been hurt by that before, however i am not going to go around telling everyone. . . the balance? I'm not sure yet. Most of the girls here in my dorm are black and white minded. nothing has happened to them that they see the grayness of the "real world". They have not been seriously hurt or in bad situations, they are innocent college freshman. Sometimes i wonder if i am still innocent, though i don't feel as if i am that age anymore. . .

Quietness

it's been a long time since i quieted myself. To just sit back in God's arms for a little while and know I'm loved. Not just know it, feel it. To be reminded God speaks, but i will miss it if i don't listen. Tonight at IV (intervarsity) there wasn't much of a sermon but a time to sit and listen. Not to pray, just to listen. I didn't hear anything profound about what to do with my life, but more important. I heard "i love you" and it was a wonderful calming experience i haven't had for a while. The last time would have been when our camp staff did the labrinth. We started pretty early after breakfast maybe 9 at the latest and at 1 they interuppted us reminding us we should eat sometime. . . we still weren't done though. The quietness and calmness i felt after that was remarkable. sigh............... wonderous quiet, those moments where God speaks straight to your heart.

they remind me to continue to seek, to seek God's love and wisdom for he is there.

Yucky day

i woke up 10 mintues before my first class (accross campus) didn't finish my homework for my second class and it is cold and rainy. i have too much to do and don't really care to do any of it. and my theory teacher is just really mean. Rude and makes stupid comments when i'm helping out my friends. oye.
yet i should not complain. i am sitting here having hot chocolate and wrapped in a blanket. yes chocolate makes everything better, but from the convience of my room i click on a button and feel better about helping the world. So many ppl suffer everyday from oppressive governments, sicknesses, and harsh world conditions and i complain about trivial matters of a rainy day and my own procrastination. This is not the end of the world, focus and get over this little crack along my path. so maybe i will not smile for a day, but it is not so bad, just alittle grey. I think i might have some ramen noodles and study alittle up on my bed.

These are the days i thank god for the blessings i often overlook. For friends who insist on standing by my side no matter how many times i try to convince them i'm not worth it, for those little comments they make that make me so angry yet when i am sad remembering them warm my heart. for the family that i have, yes the family that i have. I have two amazing cousins that see me floating somewhere and care enough to find me and spend time with me, and an amazing sister doing marvolusly in a situation she doesn't deserve. I thank god for all the love. The love i prove everyday i am not worthy of. There is oh so much more.

If everyday was a good day, i would always overlook these thing, so thank god for a yucky day.
your sister in Christ,
~Erin

honestly, lonely

so, for the past at least two weeks i have been simply alright, i have nothing to complain about, things are fine. the homework is homework, stuff i enjoy anyway. History of the modern world, no biggie, philosophy, love to, speech, yeah been there done that just learn the vocab. however, to be honest to myself i have been down. font would have to be dark blue, not green. not my normal self, fine, but . . . lonely. I really hate going from talking to people every day, or if not talking being able to read them by their physical language, but also being read. I miss my real good friends, the ones who really care. The thing is, they're still there, just as busy as i am. Taking the responsibilty for their educations and getting things done. I am making friends, however i still feel very much alone. Alone on a campus of at least eight thousand. Searching. . . yet somehow i think i know what i am searching for. God has blessed me with quite my fair share of angels to keep me along the straight and narrow, or really just to keep me here. I look around my desk at the pictures. Pictures from mayville, pictures from the lake, pictures from church, pictures from garrett, pictures from camp, people smiling at me who care. Yet why do they care? Something i'll probably always be asking. The love me, but their love is not their own, it comes from a greater source. Someone trying to reach me. Who now has lead me to a convienent spot where i have those angels within my communication, but not right here. An opportunity to learn to shift my wieght on him, not on them sigh, a great thing. So, that's my next goal. Walk with him to class, talk to him, listen, let my weight shift and maybe i'll be able to hold a bit more of it up as well. so yes, i'm lonely, but have a suspicious thought it is suppose to be this way. . .

Compromises

So been doing alot of thinking lately. Meeting alot of ppl, searching for any other liberal christians, trying to settle in. It has only been three weeks however I do not feel as if I belong here. So. . . i have always talked of transferring. Getting a year away from my parents, working out an easier break away however when to go is a big question. I know right now i should focus on school work and what to do while i am here at La Crosse. Yet, i do want to be an RA. Though where? I can be fine here, learn alot and get my gen ed's done and be finacially in better shape. Having two kids in college is really been hard on my family and going toa state school would really help them out. Yet, i'm not happy here and am trying to stay positive and optimistic however I don't fit in here. I will end up doing music seriously, and there is no religious studies program. So do I compromise what i want and my happiness for two years?

I try to not think about this too much, however i can't always ignore the fact i don't fit in. I've been to extremes. Mayville, i can count the good friends i had on one hand and then there were all the akward moments. Then there was Garrett, 3 unbelieveable weeks where i meet friends i will have for life. Then camp. Again amazing where i meet friends that i will have for life, the kind of ppl who honestly care and you just don't get it. If i were them i would have left me along time ago. So i really don't want to judge La Crosse so soon, however I hate those akward moments where you just know you don't fit in. So the question i am left with is do i seek a campus where i fit in or do i compromise and stay here because it is the best for finacial reasons. Yet if i begin to compromise again where will i begin to stand up for myself? I always say seminary. Yet I also said it would all be better just once i got out of the house. Yes it's better, but the bruises are still there, the scars are still there, and i haven't really done alot about it.

So what now? What am i going to do about all the things i think about? How am i going to make a difference in my own life? Well, i'm going to keep getting into the Bible, everyday. I'm going to make goals for myself not only in school, but in getting sleep and eating properly. I'm going to relax and listen for the voice of God. I'm going to make the best of the place I am in and find what God has in store for me here. I'm going to smile and find the good things in life, like rubber duckies and bubble baths, cuddling in blankets with my Prince Barkley the bear. I'm not going to worry so much about the little things and allow God more control in my life. Sigh, working on it anyway.

Speechless, in a way

I often run into the problem of not being able to find the right words to describe what i am trying to say or how i feel. I am not exactly speechless, but overflowed in thought. It is the international day of peace. There is a big peace rally this weekend, the progressives have a good agenda of things to be involved in. Music is good, classes and the such. Church shopping is not so easy. . . . i want to find a group of ppl who care. difficult part is most of the groups on campus are highly conservative, this shouldn't be a problem but it can get to be a comfortablity issue. I don't want to stir up things that offend ppl, i just want to be able to ask questions and talk openly. I guess that is what i am looking for when i look into doing an online bible study. Maybe it is the way i was raised that i don't agree with the way some of the scripture is interpretted. . . i really just don't know. but what i do know is i love getting involved in human rights and politics, i love talking about theology and studing it, and music is a beautiful world where you don't need words. . .

i need to take a break from leadership and concentrate on me for a while, but it is harder than one would think. I can't find a group that meets my needs for bible study despite how hard i've been looking. . . and i try not to, but i do take a leadership role in my emerging group of friends. The tutor, the one who will make decisions, just leadership stuff, notice other ppl in the group and the dynamics. . . i was taken care of this summer and now have to walk the fine line again. Idk, but what i do know is that i do have to go and take care of myself a bit. . . time is the only issue. Yet what a poor excuse. Eh, i am speechless. . .

Settling

So made it through two full weeks, i guess i'll settle in for a while. I keep reminding myself i wanted to go to a state school, yet this doesn't really seem like the place for me. Classes are great, except one boring professor in a great class though! (origins of the modern world, i like history and the study of how our economics and how and why our world came to be what it is today, yeah so i'm a dork whatever) Music is good, though i do question a school a bit when i got into the top choir as a freshman. . but i'm glad to be in a good choir. Went out a bit, CRU party, trying to get to know ppl, to get into a group where i do feel as if i do belong. Granted i understand this takes a while, but it is frustrating to meet ppl and try to get to know them where the converstation goes no where and i don't want to feed the entire thing. There are only so many questions to ask, even open ended questions if the other person doesn't want to talk or isn't interested, their not. There are alot of cool ppl here though. Just joined facebook so thats interesting, creates connections.

Went church shopping again today. I feel for the little churches out there trying to grow, and as much as i know i can help them i don't know that i want to bury myself in a church that has so many needs right now. It's hard to say that, but i don't know. . . we'll give the other ones a chance and then see from there. Things are slowly getting lighter and lighter and i'm smiling more. Maybe this isn't exactly where i belong but i can still take good things away from it.

Creating connections

i'm revisitng my description of that stupid box, since it has changed a bit since the last time i was there. I have opened many more windows and there is more light in my box than has been there for awhile. I am slowly allowing it to warm me and accepting it into my life. Most of this light comes in through the top and the door to my friends. Yet sometimes, i chose to sit in the darkness and watch the light. Is it that it flickers, or is that my eyelids? The door to my family has been shut tight for awhile, but done with tears in my eyes not resentment. It hurts to think i have to walk away from them, that they cause me so much pain, that they can't understand. That i try, yes i try, but they don't get it. The insults hurt and hurt deep. I am running because it is the only thing i can do. But i don't want to leave all of them so i leave a window to try to watch my little Jena and keep loving her. Call when i am in desperate need and enough to be okay. I am still afraid, afraid to open the doors. There are four if you remember (last feb. 11th) one for family, one for friends, one for adults (of which i am now one. .), and one for expression, creativity, writing, art and the like. And a beautiful skylight. Well, my friends have done an excellent job at getting through the steel with drills, not giving up for anything and are some are even allowed inside sometimes. The bring with them hope and love and light. Remarkable hearts and words i always need to hear. Though still I have to live my life, so they bring me gifts of wisdom yet they themselves have to leave. Them coming in though, makes a significant difference in the communication barrier. However, sometimes i wonder if i push them out. I am such a slow learner. . . and I still have bad habits, lying to myself and making rationalizations, yet they still keep coming back always greeting me with smiles and love. Then there are adults. because i am one now they are not so scary yet they still can not know all of the things i hide depending simply because i still have a sister and don't want to ruin my parents lives. But a window has appeared there for some i know are always keeping a watchful eye out, and she is wonderful. A mother to me. Expression, i have brought more ppl here and have even been willing to discuss the things i put here, so that door is becoming more and more open. I want to get better, but it will take time. The skylight. It is open but most days i get so busy i hardly take the time to look at it and realize it is always there for me. When i do remember it is a beautiful view, full open skies and breathtaking nights. Rich and wonderful, warm and caring, open and calm. Always offering a moment of peace and loveliness in the busy sometimes dark world. My box is still made of steel and hard to penetrate, yet i am creating more and more windows for the angels god sends me to look in. When i trust them, and they want, not are willing but ask to come in, i allow my box to change from a place of solitude. I have begun to share my tourturous thoughts, some at least, and have sought healing. This is a remarkable change from the box i had a few months ago, yet frightening too. Have i created too many windows? What if one of the ppl i let in walks away again? I do need a bit more help sometimes, yet I know that talking to me as often as i want to talk is a burden and i don't want to do that to anyone. So i don't ask as often as i maybe should, but i have begun steps in a very good direction. My box is becoming a good place, there are still shadows, but i still make mistakes. I am still here, and today, smiling from inside my box. Again, it is time to lay back, and enjoy the beauty and love from my personal skylight. Maybe one day, i'll even walk out of my box.

Are cycles preventable?

A few months ago i probably would have written this in latin for whatever says. I am going to apologize right now because i know other people besides me read this, but i have promised myself this is one place i am going to bluntly honest about my life. For my sake, and i know most of you will understand that. however if you want to leave a comment really, i understand whatever it's not a big deal but i like to know that you read it and maybe felt something. Okay that's my blurb to othersback to writing for me.

Today, what a day, maybe a day to remember like march 17th, or july 3rd, or january 16th, or maybe it'll blur into history. Only i really get to decided that. September 14th. So, my roomates like to go to bed early and get up early, it's fine, i just stay up later and sleep later, i am flexible i worry more about them being okay with me. I haven't been sleeping well, insomnia, hasn't been this bad since my junior year when they were really fighting and i was throwing up. i wake up at least 4 or 5 times and am lucky if i get to sleep by 12. so by 7 or 8 i do want to sleep, but have to get up, naps would be nice, but i need my practice time. they also do the typical girl stuff like hair and makeup for an hour and watch the news, i try to sleep, it kinda works out. i get up, shower, put on jeans (or a skirt) and a t-shirt and go. theory is sooo easy, but alot of my new friends are struggling, and i'm the only one who answers questions. i feel stupid sometimes, it is a theme in many of my classes that i care and understand the topic. history, philosophy is the best, theory, speech. whatever, but it is frustrating, i still long for intellectual conversation that challenges me. okay, so blunt, but started my period this morning, so made sure i grabbed ibeprophen (however that is spelled) but was doing fine. took the bus to the bank over lunch to get money! just grabbed a sack lunch and it was a little adventure. though i was definately feeling it then, i tried to walk it off and study, but oh my goodness it hurt like hell. i could hardly make my way inside (definatly didn't want to walk across campus to my dorm) so tried to crash in a practice room, but i was on the floor and it hurt so bad. i had already taken 2 ib. wasn't helping. i couldn't help it, it hurt and it couldn't do anything, so i made my way to the bathroom, i thought i might make it. but oh hurt is not even the word, excruciating pain doesn't even begin to describe it.

so it did it. i helped it. it's been over a year since my finger has been there but it felt like yesterday. i knew what i was doing. 3 more ib and soon i did feel better, but. . .

do i count that? it hurt oh so much pain, seriously. all i did was help it not cause it? so many thought and memories though. i cried, stupid tears i hate them. it's been awhile since i've cried, almost since camp, home was just angry. does this really tell me i need to seriously deal, that no it's not over? that i don't have control over it, not even the behavior part or does it just tell me that i was sick and it happens to be an unfortunate coincidence??
i went to band, that was fine, choir was good too. singing alto now, wierd, haven't done that in years. low a's are not my forte. hardly ate, some soup and crackers, sprite. then speech. we had a fire alarm go off so we did class outside for almost an hour but then she gave up so dismissed us. boys in my class though, grow up please. terrible sometimes. but that's my generation, it just sucks that i really don't relate sometimesi feel as if i am an outcast. idk. we'll see how the rest of the day falls out and hope my cramps get better or i just take more drugs sooner. hanging onto hope in the only place i can, above.
confused~erin

Risks

Taking Risks

A risk
to risk
remarkable gain
devastating loss
or to live safe
hidden behind walls
the choice of shallow contentness
nothing more
nothing less
or a life on edge
always seeking more
dangerous?
exciting?
i ask myself
where is the logic?
the rationalizing?
though should everthing be rationalized?
new
scary
but to hold back. . .
yet to risk. . .
risks have let me down before
oh so many memories. . .
things in my head, haunting me
choices that went oh so wrong
what about God?
if he is the creator of all,
did he create these risks?
the things i wonder as i wander
do i think too much?
do i write too much?
do i care too little?
do i settle for imcomplete contentness?
or do i strive for something more?


so i wrote this outside yesterday, waiting for one of my roomates because i locked myself out. College brings a whole new set of choices and risks. it is risky to meet new ppl. it is dangerous to let yourself be known. where do i go now with my life? I have come to an age where i really get to start making decisions and real choices about my life. how do i stand up and make those, for the options are risky. however has anything spectacular ever come from the safe/smart choice? i think alot about random topics, risk, hatred, social darwinism, the effect of color on the emotional aspects of the world, human rights, superiority, yet all i can do is write. once and a while i will take the risk and express my thoughts to others tough it is rare to find someone not only to listen but to engage in the converstation and challenge each other. there are a few out there, people who expand my horizons and who just care, but you don't realize how rare you are. Well, i've got band and choir now but will be back to study tonight. always in thought, ~Erin

New

All things in life are new, yet at the same time old. We encounter new experiences yet portray many of the same emotions. New people have similiar tendencies of old, new places have similar purposes and meanings from the past. Yet as new experiences remind us of the past they do however contain new circumstances to which one must act differently. knowledge from the past can and does help us to understand and operate in these new places of life but not completly as it is not the same, it is new.

At this time of my life I am in a new chapter again. This summer was a beautiful experience well needed at that point in my life. The lessons i learned and the people i met were wonderful. The obvious christian love was enlightening. home still hurts, the way of life i made for myself i sometimes regret. it is so easy to lie, it was my way of life. to manipulate, to make up stories, to copletely flat out lie without remorse. I survied. That was a feat somedays. I had turned my back on god and told myself he didn't care, for if he did i would not be where i was. I allowed myself to be caught in harmful behaviors and tried to rationalize why so it was alright. Yet it wasn't and the things i did were not okay, they were mistakes i will spend the rest of my life recovering.

This summer i did alot of healing, basically to exchange some of my views. to change my lifestyle, no longer living to simply survive. There is more to live for, and people to support me, that was an important lesson i learned. I also learned how to use alot of the things i had know from home in caring for others. Much of the knowlegde i gained came in handy. Things from don't refirgerate bananas to use a grate when cooking or SUNSCREEN especially the lil ones and the couselors, hehe! The friendship however was touching. I hate to name names simply because so many ppl did so much for me. From late night conversations about life, to making sure i ate and took breaks, to listening or trying to get me to talk. The little things were wonderful, hugs and smiles or the looks that spoke for themselves. I belonged.

Now i start another time in life where i have to meet new ppl again and make friends. Yet this is a new situation with new rules, yes it is still meeting ppl but to know for a year, to live with for a year, and to see each and every day. So for happiness one must be themselves yet also function in a society. All of this while keeping focus also on classes and practicing. Then there is the issue of seeking or not seeking more help to deal with the issues in my past. Many new things, new decisions to make. Then there is one more thing. I don't know how or if to address it and where, but since this page is mine and just for me i shouldn't worry about who reads it. A health issue i already had looked at but has gotten significantly worse. To the left of my sternum right underneath my breast is a hard spot which has grown. It now has a bruise and hurts alot. I will have to go and get it checked out again, the last time i was told it was fine and should go away, it's been a year. It is painful to lay on, it is simpy painful. I am a bit worried, but can't do much about it.

All kinds of things to think about, to pray about, to deal with, but good to get the thoughts out. Not to mention it is the 4th anniversary of one of the most tradgic events of American history. An event which has spurn so much hate and war. The rest of the world has also experienced hurt and devestation, which does not justify ours, however we expect others to get over it,not ourselves. Each and everyone of us on the earth is loved by god therefore we need to love and not judge our neighbors. we need to support businesses that honor human rights, and work for a better world instead of accept this is what we have. The church needs to push for this. We can make a difference, and we must make a difference for our existence to continue. and we must understand that with great privilage comes great responsibilty.

Not everyday is a good day

Thursday, 3rd day of classes worst day so far this week. Found out this morning i made concert choir, the highest choir on campus so that felt good. theory was easy, and almost everything on the sylabus is easy except the ear training. . . so anyhow the morning was going well. Then had history, oh so boring! I love the topics, the prof is just terrible. I think i missed my applied sax but i'm not sure and then we had choir which was fine. Real nervous about my wind symphony audition, which didn't go so well. Then i went over to the pool to do my lifeguard skills test, i had applied for a job there. it was terrible. maybe i'll elaborate on it some other time. but all i have to say is, i hate that stupid brick. . .

First day

Sigh, the first day is coming to a close. It's been quite a day. Woke up early and took forever to get ready! I annoyed myself. Changed clothes more often than I ever had getting ready and actually didn't get things done that i wanted to before class. Had theory, practiced some more then had history. I like history but the prof was totally boring. Great topics, awesome schedule but long class and terribly boring today. Grabbed a quick lunch and headed off to piano which was the wrong class for me, then we don't have wind symphony yet so didn't have that class either. So had a moment to get my lifeguard application in order and copy my certifications at the library, found another girl there doing the same thing. She said LaCrosse Logan high school was desperate for guards and asked me if i would be willing to work there. She would take me and I would work saturdays. That along with the job here on campus. . . would be great. Then went to choir, did another audition in front of the class and had to leave. will find out if i made it tomorrow. Left early to take my math and english placement tests. Yikes. Long day. Now i have studying to do, oh yeah, I also dropped my piano class and added a philosophy class in it's place. now i'm up to 17 credits with 9 classes. FULL load. Okay, so now time to study. I'll be back though, probably tomorrow. In a happy place though, stressful and tiring but happy. ~Erin

Another Chapter. . .

So life is full of stages, chapters if you will. Childhood has many of these chapters. . . as we are growing and going through stages the progress is remarkable. there is an infant stage where we are helpless, completely dependant on those around us to care for us, fragile. then we get bigger and tougher entering into a stage of typically couriosity, questioning everything and learning the hard way sometimes. Soon we reach an age where we begin to take responsibility for most of our actions and can determine from right and wrong. We soon grow out from under our parents and long join the next stage of life, young adulthood. yet each one of these chapters change at different times for each of us and all of our chapters have mini sections of difficult and happy times.

this summer was a new chapter of my life. not living at home and living in an area surround by ppl who loved me for me, not because of what i did or any other reason but that i am a child of God and that alone deserves love and caring for. Sure soon we grew on each other, but the love was there from the start and it was a beautiful change of lifestyle. Going home is hard because the love and support isn't there. Which is hard enough to admit, but it is so cold and hard and demanding. There are no late night conversations about life or any for that matter, more well you need to keep an open mind and teach for a year. They don't listen! and the yelling, nothing is ever good enough. I can't get my act together, my schedule doesn't matter because it is all for the benifit of the family. My life and ideas don't matter because i haven't done the ironing or dishes. I am a woman and should learn my place in a healthy godly family i'm told. I cry because they really mean well but are so discouraging. Being submissive is not something i think i can do. I need to be in relationships with people who treat me as an equal, not as someone to care for like a child unable to care for themselves. Such a fine line. Not make decisions for me in my best interest but makes decisions with me.

anyhow, college is another chapter. It is one with far more decisions that need to be made by me yet others want to make them. I have to live with my life, yet i also have to interact with my family. This situation breaks my heart. They aren't helping me grow into the person god wants me to be so therefore they are hurting me. This alone is sad. I can't just leave them but i have to get out of their control. College can be the place for that. The girls are wonderful here. I am in a non substance dorm here in a state school. Lots of ppl diverse yes, but still wisconsin. Lots of positive things yet there are always issues. I'm excited to meet ppl in my majors and more in my interests. Liberal would be nice (both of my roomates are kinda consevative, politics not so great discussions) Issues need to be discussed not ppl. It streatches your mind. these are wonderful ppl who deserve to be heard too. So in general, life is good here. This chapter has started on a happy note. I miss my friends, but they are all online so availble Will write more soon as i become enilightened. Lots of love and gods blessing to anyone who found this. . . ~Erin