New

All things in life are new, yet at the same time old. We encounter new experiences yet portray many of the same emotions. New people have similiar tendencies of old, new places have similar purposes and meanings from the past. Yet as new experiences remind us of the past they do however contain new circumstances to which one must act differently. knowledge from the past can and does help us to understand and operate in these new places of life but not completly as it is not the same, it is new.

At this time of my life I am in a new chapter again. This summer was a beautiful experience well needed at that point in my life. The lessons i learned and the people i met were wonderful. The obvious christian love was enlightening. home still hurts, the way of life i made for myself i sometimes regret. it is so easy to lie, it was my way of life. to manipulate, to make up stories, to copletely flat out lie without remorse. I survied. That was a feat somedays. I had turned my back on god and told myself he didn't care, for if he did i would not be where i was. I allowed myself to be caught in harmful behaviors and tried to rationalize why so it was alright. Yet it wasn't and the things i did were not okay, they were mistakes i will spend the rest of my life recovering.

This summer i did alot of healing, basically to exchange some of my views. to change my lifestyle, no longer living to simply survive. There is more to live for, and people to support me, that was an important lesson i learned. I also learned how to use alot of the things i had know from home in caring for others. Much of the knowlegde i gained came in handy. Things from don't refirgerate bananas to use a grate when cooking or SUNSCREEN especially the lil ones and the couselors, hehe! The friendship however was touching. I hate to name names simply because so many ppl did so much for me. From late night conversations about life, to making sure i ate and took breaks, to listening or trying to get me to talk. The little things were wonderful, hugs and smiles or the looks that spoke for themselves. I belonged.

Now i start another time in life where i have to meet new ppl again and make friends. Yet this is a new situation with new rules, yes it is still meeting ppl but to know for a year, to live with for a year, and to see each and every day. So for happiness one must be themselves yet also function in a society. All of this while keeping focus also on classes and practicing. Then there is the issue of seeking or not seeking more help to deal with the issues in my past. Many new things, new decisions to make. Then there is one more thing. I don't know how or if to address it and where, but since this page is mine and just for me i shouldn't worry about who reads it. A health issue i already had looked at but has gotten significantly worse. To the left of my sternum right underneath my breast is a hard spot which has grown. It now has a bruise and hurts alot. I will have to go and get it checked out again, the last time i was told it was fine and should go away, it's been a year. It is painful to lay on, it is simpy painful. I am a bit worried, but can't do much about it.

All kinds of things to think about, to pray about, to deal with, but good to get the thoughts out. Not to mention it is the 4th anniversary of one of the most tradgic events of American history. An event which has spurn so much hate and war. The rest of the world has also experienced hurt and devestation, which does not justify ours, however we expect others to get over it,not ourselves. Each and everyone of us on the earth is loved by god therefore we need to love and not judge our neighbors. we need to support businesses that honor human rights, and work for a better world instead of accept this is what we have. The church needs to push for this. We can make a difference, and we must make a difference for our existence to continue. and we must understand that with great privilage comes great responsibilty.