Creating connections

i'm revisitng my description of that stupid box, since it has changed a bit since the last time i was there. I have opened many more windows and there is more light in my box than has been there for awhile. I am slowly allowing it to warm me and accepting it into my life. Most of this light comes in through the top and the door to my friends. Yet sometimes, i chose to sit in the darkness and watch the light. Is it that it flickers, or is that my eyelids? The door to my family has been shut tight for awhile, but done with tears in my eyes not resentment. It hurts to think i have to walk away from them, that they cause me so much pain, that they can't understand. That i try, yes i try, but they don't get it. The insults hurt and hurt deep. I am running because it is the only thing i can do. But i don't want to leave all of them so i leave a window to try to watch my little Jena and keep loving her. Call when i am in desperate need and enough to be okay. I am still afraid, afraid to open the doors. There are four if you remember (last feb. 11th) one for family, one for friends, one for adults (of which i am now one. .), and one for expression, creativity, writing, art and the like. And a beautiful skylight. Well, my friends have done an excellent job at getting through the steel with drills, not giving up for anything and are some are even allowed inside sometimes. The bring with them hope and love and light. Remarkable hearts and words i always need to hear. Though still I have to live my life, so they bring me gifts of wisdom yet they themselves have to leave. Them coming in though, makes a significant difference in the communication barrier. However, sometimes i wonder if i push them out. I am such a slow learner. . . and I still have bad habits, lying to myself and making rationalizations, yet they still keep coming back always greeting me with smiles and love. Then there are adults. because i am one now they are not so scary yet they still can not know all of the things i hide depending simply because i still have a sister and don't want to ruin my parents lives. But a window has appeared there for some i know are always keeping a watchful eye out, and she is wonderful. A mother to me. Expression, i have brought more ppl here and have even been willing to discuss the things i put here, so that door is becoming more and more open. I want to get better, but it will take time. The skylight. It is open but most days i get so busy i hardly take the time to look at it and realize it is always there for me. When i do remember it is a beautiful view, full open skies and breathtaking nights. Rich and wonderful, warm and caring, open and calm. Always offering a moment of peace and loveliness in the busy sometimes dark world. My box is still made of steel and hard to penetrate, yet i am creating more and more windows for the angels god sends me to look in. When i trust them, and they want, not are willing but ask to come in, i allow my box to change from a place of solitude. I have begun to share my tourturous thoughts, some at least, and have sought healing. This is a remarkable change from the box i had a few months ago, yet frightening too. Have i created too many windows? What if one of the ppl i let in walks away again? I do need a bit more help sometimes, yet I know that talking to me as often as i want to talk is a burden and i don't want to do that to anyone. So i don't ask as often as i maybe should, but i have begun steps in a very good direction. My box is becoming a good place, there are still shadows, but i still make mistakes. I am still here, and today, smiling from inside my box. Again, it is time to lay back, and enjoy the beauty and love from my personal skylight. Maybe one day, i'll even walk out of my box.