weekend

so i am sitting here thinking, but about what? I'm going out soon with a friend but want to blog alittle bit. So yes we all know i have issues. They are a huge part of who i am today. They give me alot of the reasons i feel strongly about things and why i believe somethings that i do. This summer also gave me a safe enviorment to talk, with all the work we had to do it only came up in generally 1 or 2 o'clock conversations in the morning. However we have more time here and there are a few ppl trying to figure me out. We like to talk about camp, or ppl everywhere love to talk about their families. . . friends are always good too, but nothing too deep, they shy away from deep conversation or talk about social issues. Sometimes we talk music, hehe, we are just crazy ppl. But i shy away from telling people my big issues. Like hum. . . 1, abusive father 2, depression/suicidal 3, bulimic 4, cutter 5, had household responsibilities (cook, clean, take care of the famiy) alot of me is tied up in there. When you have alot of work to do (like at camp) these conversations can easily be limited. But we live together here and yeah have to study but the conversations go there. I don't want sympathy. I however do want to be part of things so most of the time i end up going and having fun and trying to limit my input to these type conversations. Idk. . .

I start work tomorrow. assistant teach swim lessons from 8-12 every saturday. Interesting. . . i'm excited, working with kids, and get some time in the pool. I do not apply for the free counseling services offered here on campus (basically i come from a middle class white family with both my parents married and they both went to college therefore i am normal) however there are a couple support groups that i am looking a little bit more into, something i should do for myself. I don't know what to think of the fact that i help almost all my friends in all my classes with their homework, especially theory. I have a bunch of history papers to read, i just. .. i don't know. I can't ignore my past, been there been hurt by that before, however i am not going to go around telling everyone. . . the balance? I'm not sure yet. Most of the girls here in my dorm are black and white minded. nothing has happened to them that they see the grayness of the "real world". They have not been seriously hurt or in bad situations, they are innocent college freshman. Sometimes i wonder if i am still innocent, though i don't feel as if i am that age anymore. . .