Hazy

The last few weeks have been quite hazy. Some real good days, some real bad. Jen said it best, a 1/4 life crisis. So many things running through my head. Things i need to do, things i want to do, what to do with my life, why i feel like i do. . .

One thing i get really enjoy is gathering and posting devos. Some days it's alot, i wonder when i'm writing it if it is good enough, sometimes i leave questions, in general it is a very positive experience for me. Today i posted a part of a devotion sent to me by CrossRoads one our our campus ministries. It was on Jesus being tempted in the desert. . . a story i've heard over and over again. But i thought when i got it, hey i can just post this and not have to worry about it, i had class soon. however i skimed it the first time and sure it looks fine. . . but then i decided to read it. I do have a bad habit of saying oh i know this and not caring to read it again, but this i read. It really spoke to me and brought up some issues i have never considered before and i was enlightened.

Ultimately life has been a roller coaster, but a tamer one at that, perhaps more of a water slide. Yet there are still deep pains inside me some days. It is a normal thing for people to talk about their families, going home, this and that. I don't know, i miss jena alot alot, however i try to bring up the good things in my head and they just evolve. They are mad at me again, i'm not sure why. It breaks my heart that I am afraid to go back there. I was only home for 4 days before school and it was hell. I get random e-mails but they are generally not very pleasant. I worked my butt off to make them happy and keep their lives comfortable, to keep our family together, but now what? I try not to think about it, but when in a group people don't know that it makes me uncomfortable to talk about my family.

There have been good things about college. I am getting much better on my sax, philosophy is my favorite class, it is wonderful to play and sing in groups of advanced musicians. I have made some friends, music people, girls in my wing, people in my classes, people who do Intervarsity. Yet i have always wanted to feel like i belonged somewhere, one of my favorite songs is from Hercules, "Go the Distance", all about doing whatever i have to do to find where i truely belong. I felt real good this summer, i could me myself around several people and it was wonderful, but not here. I hate alot of the reactions i get from people. That theology is my passion and i love to talk about social issues and music is a side hobby. I get alot of wow's and the world needs people like you, or good for you, not conversation, it makes me sad that i honestly feel so alone or just tutor my friends.

Then however, God reveals himself and i know that i am loved and there are a bunch of wonderful people out there who love me for me, and i kick myself for moping. So in general, life has been hazy. . . and quiet.