Frustrating

Life can be so frustrating and i honestly hate it. I try to avoid hating things, strongly dislike yes but not hate. I want to follow God and be happy but there is so much more to life than that. There are so many other feelings that pull against the inner workings of us. . . feelings of loneliness, feelings of hopelessness, worry, comparing situations to old times or just other places in the world. I don't know alot of things, but i do know i have felt truly at home the last two summers and i don't feel any of that here.
i have found a job assistant teaching swim lessons, the kids are great. It will take a while to get to know the other staff, but it sucks to be new. There are alot of ppl on my mind. Alot of ppl i care for going through difficult times in their lives. Some i can relate to, combine that with my love for them and i try to help in as many ways possible whatever sacrifice that means for me. There are so many things that can be done around here to better the community. There are methodists on the campus however they don't know about any methodist programs, let along the church nearby. Which is a wonderful church, lots of ppl and lots of kids, but doesn't seem to have a sr. high youth program, or college age young adults, so there is an area maybe i can get involved in. . .
i hate boys. the feelings they cause, not being able to just shake your head and walk away but to long for them again and again. To tell yourself that this is stupid, get over it, move on with life. Then you get an e-mail and your stomache is jumping again. Memories flow through your head and you've fallen for him again. Takes some more time to shake it off, stand up and walk, then another cycle begins. I hate it. . . yet i don't. I want to be realistic, life is not some chick flick, however when they are so wonderful it is so hard. . . to not be sure, to not want to miss something truly wonderful, but also to not ruin a truly wonderful friendship.
I miss my sister. Talking to her, being there for her when she needed me, just being there for her in general. I protected her and honestly it feels as if i raised her quite a bit and i can't even see her. To tell her no. . . dad would probably not let her buy that shirt, to giggling at the disney movies, to taking walks and talking about life, love, and hurts. To hold her when she cried, to encourage her when she tried something new, to just be there. To have someone who understood what it was for me to be in our house and the pain and heartbreak that was for me, she was the one who saw and appreciated me for the person i truly was inside, not the person everyone else wanted me to be for them.
Life is so frustrating and i know it can't all be good, but i have had alot alot of what i would call bad and maybe i shouldn't long for this, but i hate being so alone. I want to be normal, i want to fit in. I know it is possible i have done it before. I need to learn to lean more on God for his support, for otherwise the load that i keep taking on is going to get too heavy even for me. I miss ppl who know me and care for me being able to see me and watch my tendincies. Most of all though, i miss those that challege me, yet i often hear them in my head as i am rationalizing choices. . . so they are still very much with me, even though very absent from me. . .