Leaving

Okay, so again i get to be gone all summer, though this time with a bit more consistencey and wages. I'm excited, especially for Leah to be there, it will be blast. I'm really going to miss some Mayville ppl, really really. Alrighty, i've been really just stressed and have to go tomorrow. It's been a while, like 1 and 1/2 weeks for cutting and 329 days ( or so for the bulimia) anyway go to buzz off. Noches!

~Erin

uno mas

Wow, one more day of high school. I don't want to rememeber this week. It has been super stressful and i haven't gotten all of the things done i need to have done. I just finished some papers, have a half done espanol project on my bed, a quilt lying at the sewing machine, and i am falling over tired. Besides the chem final which i hardly studied for and really need to study more. I haven't got my theory done and won't see some seniors again anyhow. . . i need to collapse. Maybe i've been crabby lately, idk, dad's been a jerk. Today we were discussing some upcoming leaders and i said about a particular person, i wouldn't put her in a leadership position yet, i still have personality confilicts with her, meaning she still hasn't quite figured out how to work well with ppl let alone lead however he turned and looked at me and said, "you have personality conflicts with an awful lot of people, do you know that?" really snotty. i wanted to slap him. i work my butt off to work with every kid in our program, give lessons, help them out, i get along with everyone. . . except one person as of late. . . yet urg that person. i've really been trying hard to eat, which has been super hard, food is not that appealing. though we had tons of stuff in spanish today and i ate way way too much and oh did my stomach hurt. . . i hate this, i want it to go away. The constant feelings. I want to be honest, i don't want to live my life a lie and have to act out who i am to people, but in Mayville what can i do? i don't know that a heck of alot of people appreciate what i do for them anyway. I can't wait until summer, but i am going to miss people, some people very much. Oh, and i have to get my college stuff in line. . . arg. . . too much. Not like i haven't been told this. Dad is just really getting on me lately, and mom, then they fight, oh, i can't handle all this. Then on top of it today i went to get sporty's stuff, i was just going to drive past, but when else would i have time. I cried, oh so hard, especially unpacking it into the barn. boy do i miss him. last monday i was a conselor. hated it. Hated it. Maybe it was the way it started, maybe just the way she spoke to me, but oh did i hate it. the best thing about it was i had 1 hour to be blately honest and it didn't matter. Though looking at amy while i was talking was hard. I feel bad for the pain i seem to put ppl in when i talk about myself and my life. But comparitivley i feel selfish because my issues are really not that bad. i have a house, clothes, food, everything i need. I guess i'm going keep trying. i really don't want to cut anymore, but it does feel really good, and some day i honestly do want to, just sometimes i don't want the scars. Most of them are almost gone. . . most. . . one more day, uno mas hoy. . .

Feeling good

So it was an interesting weekend. Friday, stressed about the programs get to the church and expect to crash, and there's elderly ppl everywhere. Improve things all night, including the service later, that i felt went really well. It was weird to be preaching again, but to be honest to a large group of ppl who have known me for a while feels good. I helped out a friend and was able to work on myself as well. Then saturday. . . interesting. . . concert went pretty well, i missed a 2/4 measure in a piece they told me to conduct that day. . . stress. Everyone sang well and played well, it was fun. Ppl don't get the hang of a collage concert. Don't clap. . . after the concert we crashed at church. They band and a bunch of freshman. . . ikes. So we made it, did a question answer session for a sermon. It scares me the kinds of questions these little kids have. Suicidal friends, self-harming, all kinds of terrible things for such small kids. Then suday service. . . i was worried, yet everything went really well, even the sermon, the children's service rocks! Ha. ha! Then shopping and i got alot of really cute stuff. Goodwill rocks! alrighty, lack of sleep this weekend.

Wading through

Well if I'm ready or not, life seems to go on. Interesting day yesterday. . . Programs for the concert yuck. Copies, 750, and 4 pages, it just kinda sucked. Stress, and the concert is today. But so yesterday, our band played at FDL at a confrence youth mtg. I was planning on getting there early, that didn't happen. When i got there, there was a ton of elderly people and I was told there was a gas leak in the nearby assisted living apartments so they evacuated to the church the youth were at. Okay, and then we decided to help keep them entertained for awhile. We sang, we did some skits, some improve stuff. Fed them. . . it was interesting (all while the youth were suppose to be mtg about their own things at hand). It was fun. After a while they were allowed to go back and things settled down a bit, but not until almost 9 o'clock. Not a lot of practice time for the band (not to mention somehow we missed out on dinner). I was planning on finishing organizing the nights worship service while they were in their mtg, but that didn't happen, so it was kinda on the fly. I had a girl want to do a testimony, then lots of band, lots of worship time, prayers, and we talked about what it means to live life as a christian. Not by actions alone, but to have a personal realtionship with God and have that strong faith. It all went pretty well, a little long, but hey, it was all good. I did talk abit about places where I've strayed. Then told them if they wanted to know more, just ask me later. Many did. Hang-time, awesome. So after the service I talked to alot of my friends whom i hadn't seen in ages, but obviously couldn't talk to them all. So when told to go to bed i was walking with a friends who says, we need to talk. Ya, where and when though? So we sneak off into the sanctuary and sit down in a corner and talk. Quiet when the adults come in, acctually they turned off the lights and locked the doors, but we really needed the time. Boy i felt quilty. I am a leader, i don't do things like that, and once they found us the walk from there to our sleeping area was. . . not a good feeling. Yet that conversation will go down in some of the best ever and was above all. . . worth the trouble. It's those midnight converstations that have kept me alive. I acctually had a really good night. God was there. I had the opportunity to be honest, to a large group of people. People who i should be honest to. Now i'm alittle nervous about the concert, but more or less neverous about my first session next monday. Though, I need this, for i still don't think it's that big of a deal. I guess i will leave all that up to God, and the woderful people who he puts in my life to keep pulling me along his path. I am begining to love again.

Stress

This is going to be completely unorganized and crappy, but i don't care. I am over stressed. Overexhausted and to my limit. I don't know what to do for everyday my to do list gets longer. Crap keeps happening and i can't handle it all. I hate this. I should be able to do this, i got myself into most of these responsibilities, now i have to fulfill them and i can't. or haven't been. This frustration adds to my emotional mess and on days like today hurts, bad. I stood in the shower under steaming hot water enjoying the sting of my new scars. Most people would tell me i am insane for this, maybe i am, but it felt good to fell it. I hate this, i hate all of this. Today i have lost some of my hope for society. makes me want to be a reclous and live alone. Good quote i wish society was bulit on:
"It is better to live one day ethically and reflectively than to live a hundred years immoral and unrestrained." -Buddah

Golding was right, the problems with society stem from the problems of the individule. So my society is greedy and selfish, and i can't give anymore of myself to them but it never works. Nothing ever changes. I want to have hope, but they keep crushing it.

then there is me. I am addicted. i can't help it, and this is a problem that i need help with. I was doing good for a while, but we all know i haven't solved any problems. I simply need to deal with crap i don't want to. Find a way to cope with things. I am so tired. i want to crawl into my bed and stay there for the next week. but i have things to do tomorrow and things to get done for tomorrow. Oh, boy. I'm sick of crying, crying myself to sleep, just sick of hurting so bad.

Moody

Goodness gracious. I am really sick of being so moody! Woke up this morning feeling pretty good, well i felt really crappy, really crappy, had a stomach ache and headache, but in general in a happy mood. The ride to school was a little stressful, Dad made me drive. . . i was stressed about my chem project and test i had to take, the concert this week, our services this weekend, going with amy, finals coming up, i'm trying to get everything in order for college and work, Work training is getting in the way of things (parade). Keeping up lies, i'm just tired. So chemistry was kinda whatever, english was obnoxious, treble choir was fun, i left smiling yet bumped into Ms. Justman who yelled at me for something. Eh, whatever works. Still had quite a stomach ache, hadn't eaten yet. Went to lunch, felt really iffy and afterwords felt worse. Honestly i haven't felt this bad consecutivly for a long time. Just tried to forget about it. In the end i made it, but it was a long day. I'm just so sick of feeling okay then a half an hour later feeling so crappy. Urg. . . counseling. . . i still don't know about it. . . but maybe it will help this whole over moody thing.

The ups

Well, a great day. A wonderful weekend, and life feels good. Yes i FEEL good. Though i did eat too much today and have a stomach ache. That said there are a couple of things i need to say. Anyone reading this know that this is my page where i can put anything. Not neccesarily things I would tell anyone else. . . i warned you, you can't say i didn't. Somethings are very difficult. My throat seems to be getting better, sometimes it hurts but not as bad and not every time i swallow. Yet, when i get upset i still have a tendency to binge sometimes, then it's hell to keep it all down. Sometimes i just eat too much and i get a stomach ache, but sometimes i completely binge. That is when life sucks. But i've been working on things to do to help, walking helps, something outside and somewhat active. That's a plus, yet there are a few bad days, and those are the days i fear. Those are the days I can't do it on my own, yet hopefully i have surrounded myself with enough ppl to help me through those days. Now the cutting in alittle more difficult. I would guess because the easiest place to cut is in the shower. The sting was more with hot water. I don't know what it is about that physical pain, but sometimes it helps. It's the times when i most need comfort and feel completely exhausted and drained and lost, it's those times when i am afraid i will in my own privacy slip up. Or then there are the times when he yells and i get so angry, but i can't hurt him. Those are the times i fear I will mess up again. Though today is not one of those days. This weekend has been altogether good and I am happy. Though with my last happy day i fear i will fall hard again. Yet i don't know that i have much control over that. Just be more prepared about it. . . i guess. Well, i'm smiling, and having a great day despite my fears. I just wanted to record a bit.

Baby Steps are still steps forward

Oye. What a week. To be blunt, monday i wanted to cut my whole arm off and today i was about ready to force all my organs up through my throat for fun. Tuesday was good, we laughed we goofed around and it was a good time. But as much as these thoughts invaded my head all day i didn't do it. Day by day, step by step, battle by battle. I don't know if i'll make it all week, but all i'm concerned about it today really. And didn't deal with it the best. Still have some old bad habits, in short, bad day =binge. Wow at lunch i ate a sandwich, a bag of chips, had a whole bottle of water and i bought a brownie the size of a CD case. When isat down i didn't realize i ate the whole thing. Lunch is the worst. On bad days chocolate helps, but oh today after lunch. . . i don't know if anyone notices but it was all i could do to stay downstairs in the lunchroom. I tried to say something, but i suck at that, i did give in and leave early but then the bell rang as i was halfway up the stairs so that screwed up my plan. Today will be 311. Wholy cow. So why so horrible of a day? Well, first i am behind in my classes and too lazy to really get caught up, behind in theory, about 4 months behind in my treasurer record on the computer, and i lost the sacred concert CD (which thank God Matt found). So alittle stressed but okay, i didn't read the chapter for modern lit, eh the boys who ran class hadn't really either though. . . So third hour, i'm having fun with my girls choir and Dad comes in extremly upset. Something about me breaking the computer. Where's laura no one knows (she was at the dentist. . . found out later) and he yells at me and yells at Missy helping me correct theory in the office, not enough disipline slacking, crap like that, oye. Go to band upset, and my mouthpiece falls out of my ligature in my hand, $90 mouthpiece shattered on the floor. Thought i was going to cry. We were suppose to have our spanish skits memorized didn't, so finally get to lunch, bad day, and wow did i eat. The afternoon wasn't as bad, and now i have bible study and praise band, but it's been a long horrible day, but i think i'll be okay now. Lunch is always the worst. 12, 12:30, i can be alone and do whatever i want, i can buy whatever i want, and i really don't know if anyone notices. . . Well, on the up side i didn't and that's a step forward, cuz this has been the worst day in weeks for that. Moving forward. Lets see what tomorrow is like. . .

What is right?

Okay, trying to adjust back from camp, Humans are facinating creatures of routine. Ever think about the simple routines we have? From the things i do at my locker every morning to what i do online everyday routines are wierd. Being gone for a week was good but strange. I missed a lot of things, but sometimes it was simply great to get away. I don't know though, i had quite a bit of unexpected stress. Trying to get back into doing all the things i do in a day is wierd however. I tried to play something i the piano and it was just gone from my head for like 30 seconds or so, just strange. We are learning vocab in spanish about hospitals and accidents which doesn't seem wierd but the verbs are translated into to hurt oneself or to cut oneself and it is just uncomfortable. . . don't know where i am right now. Haven't cut for almost 3 weeks now. I guess i just long for intelligent converstation, not fighting with people. I can't seem to talk to people without it ending up in one of two situations. I either get "wow you are so smart" or argument and them walking away upset. I'm sorry i am passionate and ethical. Or society doesn't do things because it's right anymore. I can't help it, but here, in mayville, it's frustrating. Think through things, why do we pay taxes? Not so the government can steal you money, so they can use it to help you! Public Schools perhaps? Iye. So some of us give and give to create the best quality of life for all those around us and some just suck it up without remorse. I don't get it. Are people really so thick to not see someone struggling in front of them? Or do they simply ignore it? I am exhausted working daily for the benifit of those who don't notice or care. I love them but i can't do everything and sometimes it feels as if i have too. I am tired in every way and need my own time, but doesn't everyone? Will life always be like this? Some people simply doing things because they need to be done and no one else will take care of it? I am grateful i do have friends that notice me enough to take care of me, for i still can't seem to find time to. I am hanging on, but still right next to that cliff and still at a jogging pace alittle too fast to be safe. Yet i tell myself to keep going instead of taking a step back. What is right?

Camp

So being gone for a week deserves some mention in a record of my life right now, lets see camp. I was a counselor at our public school camp for 6th graders. . . i had 6 girls, Dani, Jaqui, Tonya, Abi, Collen, and Ariel. They were great. Collens sister was an issue for a while, she wanted to be a counselor again, but i stood up for myself. My girls all got along, mostly, i did alot of hair. The other conselors got to be an issue. The boys were not good, the kids i mean. The first night they broke a light and locked the cabin (had to call camp security). So by the end of the week the guy conselors were pretty testy too, just complained about stuff (garbage duty) and things got tense. The teachers definately relied on me more than i liked, more than the other counselors liked too. I was the only returning conselor. The last night was bad, they were snorting stuff. Whatever. I didn't want any part of that. On a whole, with the kids, the counselors were great, and it was a good week. Hard to compare though with last year. . . But i am excited for a summer of camping. I just love being outdoors and working in a new enviorment. Except for the snow it was good weather, the stars were beautiful, napping out on the hill was beautiful. It was a good week.

To my friends

Friends PleasePray for me, pray that I find permanent companionship in God that I may make it through my struggle and allow God to work through me the way he wishes. Encourage me. Talk to me. Care about me the way I care about you. Someone please take care of me, God please take care of me. I’ll be away in a beautiful place with time and away from the stress of life, be here when I get back to bring me back into reality