lounging

just kinda chilling. . .
alarm didn't go off for work today so slept too late. . . not a problem, just lost money for it but gained sleep. . .
been thinking alot, about a million different things. really like doing the devotional blog. it's fun. gotta get my Europe thing in. . . and the money. . . think i'm just going to lay on my bed and read a book. yeah for saturdays

headaches

i want to cry, but no. . . i'll write
i also want cut, or binge, alot of things come to mind right now that i'm so stressed.
i know better
i know i know better
i won't
or at least i'll try not too
the physical damage is not really worth it
got enough esophagous damage already
not eating give me the worst migraines
sigh
not sure what my move will be next
sleep perhaps? read a good book?
chatting with friends is good
yet hard. . .
no one can really understand, they all want you to just feel better
i wonder sometimes if i can't get rid of the depression by myself
if it's still attacking
people talk about how satan keeps fighting, keeps trying to get at you. . .
well, in times of stress like this i'm looking back and entertaining thoughts i shouldn't
though have i done much about it? no
i don't like it
i hate it
i hate how it controls me
i hate that i let it, yet truely can i help it?
i'd like to think yes
but the answer is probably no
chocolate seems to be a good solution, or the carmel in the fridge (for apples)
but i know where that will lead. . .
i'm so sick of crying. . .
so sick of thinking so much, yet walking the same circles. . .

so much hurt. . .

car accident
J.W.
going too fast, then breaking -lost control
flew 100 ft
into the woods
between to boulders
thank you God for being there
hospital
conscious the whole time
Police, EMT's, right outside Emily's Party
the imagery, the hurt, the pain, the intense emotion

band competition
buses driving back late at night
i've been there, done that
semi truck. . . accident. . .
at least 5 dead, over 21 flight for life

these are students
people i know
people i don't know
some call it tradgy
lable it with the other terrible things they've heard and move on
i am speechless
there are no words to describe the raw emotion inside my soul
as i hear these things i can not hold back the tears
so young. . .

dear Lord, be with these, your children, protect them and heal them as your will. . .
dear Lord, thank you for my life, every moment i have is a treasure i take for granted
dear Lord, help us all learn these life lessons without so much pain
amen

Who am I?

What a question. . . if anyone should be able to answer it should be me. . . yet it is the hardest question i've ever run up against. I can't research it. . . no one can answer it for me. . .

a few things come to mind. . .
the last faith passage retreat (spring)
we were asked a couple questions one at a time
1. who are you?
2. who are you to others
3 who are you to God?
( i think. . . that was the idea anyway)
interesting to wait between questions, one the last question is asked it is easy to realize that that should be the untimate answer anyway.

Anger Management
when Adam Sandler is in his first counseling session they ask him to tell them who he is, first he responds with well i am an assistant. . . and they say no, not what you do, who you are. So he begins to list things he likes to do. . . not your hobbies who you are. Then he says things like i am generally a good guy. . . not your personality, WHO YOU ARE. (then of course he blows up and yells I don't know what you want!)

my first speech in my speech class (this year)
it was suppose to be a speech about us. Hardest topic in the world . . . what to say about yourself? I ended up talking about how my backgroud, faith, and my service to humanity shapes the person that I am. . .

truth is, i don't know who i am. . .
the other thing i think about is a counselor i went to once who was terrible said one thing that stuck with me. . . a parent is a mirror to their child. Everything the parent says about that child the child believes. That's how they see themselves as whatever the parent says. . .

so tonight in line for dinner we found ourselves talking about how some of us are obsessed with things. . . Rhianon with the internet. . . Danielle with homework. . . Felicia with something (maybe squirrels) so me. . . they had to think abit but came up with that i am obsessed with helping others. . .

anyway, in the past few months people have really been challenging the fact that i don't like compliments. Some this summer, especially Kevin, yet others too. Elise calls me Mya, as in Mya Angelo, because of the way i write, and Jen went off on me the other night (not in a bad way, more like in a way i probably needed to hear) basically about how i always am so negative about myself. Now, one thing i can say is that when asked last spring an a scale from one to ten how i felt about myself i said a 2. No doubt. On a scale from one to ten about how i felt in general every day was about a 2, sometimes less. . . However, now my days are generally between 6 and 9. average 7.5, not bad. Now how i look at myself, would range from a 4 to a 6, better than a two. Yet who am i? I don't know. . . not who i am to some people, but who i am?

I am a beloved child of God.
I am a part of God's family, a sister of believers. . .
I am loved. . .
I am Erin. . .
I love to discuss theology, philosophy, really anything. . .
I like to swim
I love to work with children
I hate my body. . . yet trying to accept myself as God made me. people tell me i am beautiful. . . i try to tell myself this daily. . . sometimes i feel better, most times though. . .
I get very frustrated with my failures yet i am human and everyone of us have failings. Not to excuse mine or vailidate them, but to give myself a little slack. I have proved to be a good lier, manipulator, and workaholic. These are things i need to make note of but not kill myself over. Things that do frustrate me though are when i allow these little things to cause so much bigger problems. To let my parents failures have a hand in my distroying myself. . . to get depressed, suicidal, bulimic, and cut myself. . . people call me strong, yet i consiously did these things. I used to wonder why God placed my in the situation i was, however he has opened a small window of understanding into that question. The last thing i have been struggling with lately (the past couple years) is belonging. I don't fit in most places and I'm not normal. I hate sticking out somedays. I am asked quite often if i am a junior, nope a freshman.
I have a purpose, something to do for God. . .

so i guess that's the best idea of myself i have =)
me, myself and I ~Erin

Hazy

The last few weeks have been quite hazy. Some real good days, some real bad. Jen said it best, a 1/4 life crisis. So many things running through my head. Things i need to do, things i want to do, what to do with my life, why i feel like i do. . .

One thing i get really enjoy is gathering and posting devos. Some days it's alot, i wonder when i'm writing it if it is good enough, sometimes i leave questions, in general it is a very positive experience for me. Today i posted a part of a devotion sent to me by CrossRoads one our our campus ministries. It was on Jesus being tempted in the desert. . . a story i've heard over and over again. But i thought when i got it, hey i can just post this and not have to worry about it, i had class soon. however i skimed it the first time and sure it looks fine. . . but then i decided to read it. I do have a bad habit of saying oh i know this and not caring to read it again, but this i read. It really spoke to me and brought up some issues i have never considered before and i was enlightened.

Ultimately life has been a roller coaster, but a tamer one at that, perhaps more of a water slide. Yet there are still deep pains inside me some days. It is a normal thing for people to talk about their families, going home, this and that. I don't know, i miss jena alot alot, however i try to bring up the good things in my head and they just evolve. They are mad at me again, i'm not sure why. It breaks my heart that I am afraid to go back there. I was only home for 4 days before school and it was hell. I get random e-mails but they are generally not very pleasant. I worked my butt off to make them happy and keep their lives comfortable, to keep our family together, but now what? I try not to think about it, but when in a group people don't know that it makes me uncomfortable to talk about my family.

There have been good things about college. I am getting much better on my sax, philosophy is my favorite class, it is wonderful to play and sing in groups of advanced musicians. I have made some friends, music people, girls in my wing, people in my classes, people who do Intervarsity. Yet i have always wanted to feel like i belonged somewhere, one of my favorite songs is from Hercules, "Go the Distance", all about doing whatever i have to do to find where i truely belong. I felt real good this summer, i could me myself around several people and it was wonderful, but not here. I hate alot of the reactions i get from people. That theology is my passion and i love to talk about social issues and music is a side hobby. I get alot of wow's and the world needs people like you, or good for you, not conversation, it makes me sad that i honestly feel so alone or just tutor my friends.

Then however, God reveals himself and i know that i am loved and there are a bunch of wonderful people out there who love me for me, and i kick myself for moping. So in general, life has been hazy. . . and quiet.

Sigh

Okay, so far a bad day. A terrible day in fact. but friends make it bearable. . . and a good quote

"Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive."
Dalai Lama

i feel as if i am a counselor. . . so maybe i shouldn't be in philosophy but psych? It hurts so bad simply because i have to say things i need to be focusing on. . . helping others always challenges me the person helping. I'm sick of crying and hurting, but helping others really is making me face some things i have been avioding. However it also brings back so much crap. I had a real bad day so what did i do? Binge. Oreos. . .
now it hurts, now i am paying for it, but now i am more equipped to handle it. today makes 20 days. . . makes me think of all the people who counted for me, on our fingers and toes. . . =)

Onion

Today I'm in one of my thinking moods again. Not sure that I can intelligently put the thoughts in my head onto a page, but hey, i may as well try. This summer i made a deal with God that i would be honest to people and seek supportive friends at camp knowing full well i would not have time to go to Westfield to see a counselor. So i was a million times more open than i had ever been in my life and the respone i got back was heart warming. A few ppl even heard a huge part of me. Not lying about things yet doing my job with the kids was interesting. Most everyone on staff knew something was bothering me, which i didn't mind, it was interesting to watch who talked to me and the questions they asked. It was absolutely wonderful to have them know sometime was up so they made a special effort to simply care, to watch, to tell me to get out of there and take a break, to hug me and hold me close and to wait. To wait for me to be ready and then to listen and still hold me close and just care.

When people first start to ask questions about me i quote shrek. I am like an onion. "Ogres are like onions, they have layers." Not nice parfit layers, smelly, hard, and layers that when shed make ppl cry. I will keep the shell on around people, it's safer for them and me. Though some who hang out with me long enough see through alittle. Being so honest this summer. . . makes it a bit harder to go back. I can't go around lying for my sanity however i can't go about allowing people to see how much everything hurts. So many things are interrelated and remind me of things from day to day.

iam per iunctura of amicitia proventus , meus officium , quod mihi ego sum vix. Vix pro suus , sollicitus ego ero iens ut suus funeral , infirmus of fletus , quod plene infirmo. Is eram volo futurus a fabulous nox noctis Jane Elliot , suus phone dico , quod peractio meus history paper. Iam ego can't focus in ullus opus quod sum funditus ex meus mens nervous. Precor est totus ego can operor iam. carus senior commodo

Frustrating

Life can be so frustrating and i honestly hate it. I try to avoid hating things, strongly dislike yes but not hate. I want to follow God and be happy but there is so much more to life than that. There are so many other feelings that pull against the inner workings of us. . . feelings of loneliness, feelings of hopelessness, worry, comparing situations to old times or just other places in the world. I don't know alot of things, but i do know i have felt truly at home the last two summers and i don't feel any of that here.
i have found a job assistant teaching swim lessons, the kids are great. It will take a while to get to know the other staff, but it sucks to be new. There are alot of ppl on my mind. Alot of ppl i care for going through difficult times in their lives. Some i can relate to, combine that with my love for them and i try to help in as many ways possible whatever sacrifice that means for me. There are so many things that can be done around here to better the community. There are methodists on the campus however they don't know about any methodist programs, let along the church nearby. Which is a wonderful church, lots of ppl and lots of kids, but doesn't seem to have a sr. high youth program, or college age young adults, so there is an area maybe i can get involved in. . .
i hate boys. the feelings they cause, not being able to just shake your head and walk away but to long for them again and again. To tell yourself that this is stupid, get over it, move on with life. Then you get an e-mail and your stomache is jumping again. Memories flow through your head and you've fallen for him again. Takes some more time to shake it off, stand up and walk, then another cycle begins. I hate it. . . yet i don't. I want to be realistic, life is not some chick flick, however when they are so wonderful it is so hard. . . to not be sure, to not want to miss something truly wonderful, but also to not ruin a truly wonderful friendship.
I miss my sister. Talking to her, being there for her when she needed me, just being there for her in general. I protected her and honestly it feels as if i raised her quite a bit and i can't even see her. To tell her no. . . dad would probably not let her buy that shirt, to giggling at the disney movies, to taking walks and talking about life, love, and hurts. To hold her when she cried, to encourage her when she tried something new, to just be there. To have someone who understood what it was for me to be in our house and the pain and heartbreak that was for me, she was the one who saw and appreciated me for the person i truly was inside, not the person everyone else wanted me to be for them.
Life is so frustrating and i know it can't all be good, but i have had alot alot of what i would call bad and maybe i shouldn't long for this, but i hate being so alone. I want to be normal, i want to fit in. I know it is possible i have done it before. I need to learn to lean more on God for his support, for otherwise the load that i keep taking on is going to get too heavy even for me. I miss ppl who know me and care for me being able to see me and watch my tendincies. Most of all though, i miss those that challege me, yet i often hear them in my head as i am rationalizing choices. . . so they are still very much with me, even though very absent from me. . .

Kids

Until this morning i did not realize how much i missed the kids. Being with kids all summer was so great, getting to know them, helping them, watching them grow, all of these things are so beautiful. Teaching anything from canoeing to swimming to crafts or anything is amazing. You learn so much about yourself along with watching the kids grow. It also feels so good just to feel tired, not from lack of sleep but from working. From swimming and holding kids and just being active. I think i am going to relax and maybe take a nap. The kids, even the more difficult ones are just so fantabulous it makes me smile all the way through.