Oh Happy Day

What a day. The last day of April, my last state solo ensemble, my last day at home for a week, a good day with friends, it was good. Though it started off so terrible, waking up thinking “I don’t have a costume for my 8:08 solo, getting ready to mom and dad’s bantering, getting to school with tons of people waiting for us, it was bad. We have no received the official warning that if any of us make him late again he is getting into the car and leaving with out us and we can come later. I missed a big part on our madrigal song and I sucked up my sax solo (ended up with a 2) but that’s what I get for not practicing it. Everything else did well. Vocal stuff I got 6 1sts. I had a fun day though as I sat on the bus this morning saying I will not cry, I will not cry, this can be a good day I was certain it was going to be horrible. But it was good and I’m glad. I am really excited to go to camp this next week, hang out with a few people I don’t see much, watch little kids, and chill. No responsibilities, no parents, no stress, it will be great. I’m going to miss my friends, and talking online, but I’ll make it and it’ll probably be good for me. I have conquered today, and I can do it again. Yeah! And today makes 301. Whoa, that’s a long time, and counting. I am again really super excited for camp, lots of good times. =)

Difficult

I don't expect life to be easy, but as soon as i get one small break it all comes flying back at me so fast it's hard to swallow. Today, was just alot. I woke up saying this will be a good day, oye. Though dad must yell and be crabby, just my luck, it's okay it'll be okay i tell myself, just forget it. I silently make coffee and go to class. Class is okay, actually my teachers were more supportive of our camp trip and everything was going pretty good. I'm alittle worried about our group for lit but groups are always kind of hard to rely on. Then i go up to my treble choir, hoping they will be happy and cheer me up. They are okay, we sang, it was fine. Band, always interesting. As the day goes on it gets worse with some exciting spots in bwt. We did the funniest spanish skit arguing over bands. I was excited to go to lunch but that didn't happen. Got yelled at more for who knows what, then went to the simulation. Was pretty good, just hanging w/friends was good. Then had to come back, get yelled at more, then chose to sing with the man, oye. Though state is this weekend and i suck. Nothing i did was good i guess accept that stupid duet that jen hates and can't make her phrases. It's just a venting day. We had a great discussion in bible study, but i hate being the only one who cares, i hate it. Sometimes i wonder if i try to hard, or if i'm too. . . too something. Too passionate, too smart, too moral, too helpful? I hate being so different, i simply feel alone. When i open my mouth i get myself in some sort of trouble. I don't know where to go from here, be myself? Just do it? Or just shut up and be quiet? Will i face this problem for the rest of my life? I don't need life to be easy, but does it have to be this difficult all the time? how do i get myself in such positions, today is 298, still counting? yes. As i walk up the long staircase from my cafeteria i just want to go throw up. Who would know? I find a tear rolling down my cheek. What they heck, i hate this. I'm too emotional and to sensitive. I tell myself to get over it, but i can't. Bad day and i want to go home, binge and throw it up. These thoughts torment me, eat me alive. Then there is the yelling, which makes me want to burst open from rage. Just brake my skin and let myself come roaring out. This is not normal, this sucks. This crap will cause me problems the rest of my life. And whos fault is that? That question will also haunt me for a long time.

babble

Lots to think about and short time to get it all down. Some times it agrivates me that as I turn 18 my parents decide to try and parent me. But whatever, some things aren't worth the fight. Yesterday was an interesting day. I did sleep in late, then i woke up, ate breakfast, worked on my quilt for awhile. Then we made a plan for the day to take care of stuff outside. We took down the horse pasture fence, and then I cleaned the barn. Kinda glad they let me do it by myself, i bawled almost the whole time. Took me almost 4 hours. I can see him in my head running out into the pasture, or trying to follow me around, scratching his head against me. It's strange to think he'll never do any of that again. Almost cried when we were taking down the fence, but i didn't want them to see it. I am the tough girl, strong inside and out. and i didn't need the attempt to comfort me. Yet the niceness my dad displayed yesterday makes me think he doesn't mean to hurt us the way he does. He is just trying to do what is best for his family and himself according to how he was raised. Can i really blame him for that? Yeah he is way out in left field with things, but . . . . i don't know. I got halfway done with the front for my quilt and it is really going to be cool. Each square reminds me of certain places, people, events, wow it is going to be huge, 13 x 18 squares (each 5 in and 1/2 in inbetween). had a good time with my sister though alone tonight. WE made cookies and all kinds of junk, she had a bad day and now she has a stomache ache. I'm really not sure what kind of a day i had, i tried to force it to be good, however my band director makes me angry. So we don't like each other, i am still her student and i respect her and am very nice, yet she can not seem to do the same to me. I have a ton of work to do and ikes, have not burned the CD's yet!!!!!!!!! Oye, i need next week badly. A break, a time to relax and have fun with a bunch of kids. No parents, no responsibility, well okay to the kids, but that's easy. I still have to get college stuff in order. . . i am so unorganized. Though i did get my new glasses and it is wonderful to see again. Well i am extremly nervous about have to go and talk tomorrow, i haven't done that in weeks except to friends which more or less is yelling at me instead of my just talking (the yelling is much prefered) I am just exhausted and sick of being yelled at, senorits has set in and i'm afraid will be very affective. I am a bit worried that my future plans are not rather focused except to live the next month and get out of this hell, and there are alot of things i hope to do during my life, though i guess i should leave the worring up to God. Well enough babble for one night, and enoughing yelling to get to bed. Goodness. I can take care of myself, well okay maybe not, but i take more care of myself than my parents do and i wish they would just leave me alone instead of trying halfway. Well it's late, i'm going to bed.

Walking again in the light

Wow. Today has been quite a day. Actually the last few days have been something. But today will be a day i remember. Lets see though, thursday, NHS trip to chicago. Took a train super cool, but a bus to Milwakee, and on the way had a really good converstation about the state of todays society with someone i never expected, it was the begining of one of the best days i've had in a long time. The exploration to find Starbucks, the city bus rides, the museum, the foriegn exchange students, the whole day was great, my cheeks hurt from smiling and laughing so much. The next day, fp retreat, last one. Go to Madison, try to find a new purse while making sure to meet Kristina on time, driving was an adventure, then to randomly turn onto a side street and find her, not coincidence. Then called amy, she said she was on her way to the office too, again, no coincidence. This is the time where i begin to remember there is a God and he will handle my life and make it better than i could ever imagine, if i let him. A couple months, well acutally my sophomore year i consciously took that decision away from him. I decided i need to have control over certain situations because i wanted us to stay together as a family. I reasoned removing god's control over me because i knew this was not the best decision for me but i needed to make it anyway. If i allowed God to control my life, i am certain i would be living in a foster home. I don't regret that though. Maybe i should, but i don't. They like to be together. There are moments of happiness, when he's not mad. Alter calls since then have always pulled at me, for i didn't give my life to God. Also during that time the state of my spiritual life fluctuated quite a bit. There was a time where i was simply mad at God, or wanted his presence without my life's control, even a point where i gave up on God and simply lived out a academic faith. In reflection i see much better, how could i see god if i didn't want to see all of him? He probably never left. I just walked away and kept my back turned from him as i walked into darkness sat down and stayed there. But today, i refused the alter call, which was difficult, but had the opportunity to kneel at the alter anyhow and broke down. Today i gave my life to God. I have given my life back, i don't want control anymore. This decision will have alot of impact but felt as if the wieght of the world was lifted off my shoulders. Many of the other students were crying so i didn't stick out, but they didn't know why i cried. They have been a huge part of the reason why 1 i am still here on this earth and 2 i am hopefully going to be able to fulfil my dream, or god's purpose for my life. A year ago i had that dream, but never thought anything of it. It was a nice thought. Now i have pledged myself to God which requires a few things of me.
1 seek help in learning to take care of myself
2 more study
3 to be honest
4 don't live to survive, live for god in everything i do
Knowing this i still made the decision to do this. It will be okay. My next goal is to start to believe the things God says about me, that i am beautiful, that i am his beloved child, more or less that i am acceptable in his eyes, for i am surely not anywhere near acceptable in my own eyes. This step is one of the scariest decisions i have made in my entire life, but i have people who are really my family who will be there for me, and most of all i have God. I am confident. Scared out of my mind but excited about what life can be like. Smiling again, through and through.

Purpose

The purpose of this blog is to be a journal FOR ME. It will not be conversational (well i write as if i am talking to meself), and probably will be very random and abrupt. Comments are welcome, i just wanted to spell out what i am doing. Thank you for coming. Smile, life is to short to be angry or sad.