Walking again in the light

Wow. Today has been quite a day. Actually the last few days have been something. But today will be a day i remember. Lets see though, thursday, NHS trip to chicago. Took a train super cool, but a bus to Milwakee, and on the way had a really good converstation about the state of todays society with someone i never expected, it was the begining of one of the best days i've had in a long time. The exploration to find Starbucks, the city bus rides, the museum, the foriegn exchange students, the whole day was great, my cheeks hurt from smiling and laughing so much. The next day, fp retreat, last one. Go to Madison, try to find a new purse while making sure to meet Kristina on time, driving was an adventure, then to randomly turn onto a side street and find her, not coincidence. Then called amy, she said she was on her way to the office too, again, no coincidence. This is the time where i begin to remember there is a God and he will handle my life and make it better than i could ever imagine, if i let him. A couple months, well acutally my sophomore year i consciously took that decision away from him. I decided i need to have control over certain situations because i wanted us to stay together as a family. I reasoned removing god's control over me because i knew this was not the best decision for me but i needed to make it anyway. If i allowed God to control my life, i am certain i would be living in a foster home. I don't regret that though. Maybe i should, but i don't. They like to be together. There are moments of happiness, when he's not mad. Alter calls since then have always pulled at me, for i didn't give my life to God. Also during that time the state of my spiritual life fluctuated quite a bit. There was a time where i was simply mad at God, or wanted his presence without my life's control, even a point where i gave up on God and simply lived out a academic faith. In reflection i see much better, how could i see god if i didn't want to see all of him? He probably never left. I just walked away and kept my back turned from him as i walked into darkness sat down and stayed there. But today, i refused the alter call, which was difficult, but had the opportunity to kneel at the alter anyhow and broke down. Today i gave my life to God. I have given my life back, i don't want control anymore. This decision will have alot of impact but felt as if the wieght of the world was lifted off my shoulders. Many of the other students were crying so i didn't stick out, but they didn't know why i cried. They have been a huge part of the reason why 1 i am still here on this earth and 2 i am hopefully going to be able to fulfil my dream, or god's purpose for my life. A year ago i had that dream, but never thought anything of it. It was a nice thought. Now i have pledged myself to God which requires a few things of me.
1 seek help in learning to take care of myself
2 more study
3 to be honest
4 don't live to survive, live for god in everything i do
Knowing this i still made the decision to do this. It will be okay. My next goal is to start to believe the things God says about me, that i am beautiful, that i am his beloved child, more or less that i am acceptable in his eyes, for i am surely not anywhere near acceptable in my own eyes. This step is one of the scariest decisions i have made in my entire life, but i have people who are really my family who will be there for me, and most of all i have God. I am confident. Scared out of my mind but excited about what life can be like. Smiling again, through and through.