Being pulled down, fast

Camp, a multicolored experience. I meet people. Friends to work with, new friends to live with. The kind of people who take real good care of each other, which was good because i left a few of those behind. Yet now camp is almost over and things are rushing back in, pulling my head under and catching me off guard. Painful things i have been avoiding all summer. I thought it was going to be the cutting that would be the challenge but i haven't really had to deal with much want or temptation. It's been eating that's been hard. There are so many times i just want to throw up, but i said no, not with campers around. Though this is the last week with campers which honestly scares me. Alot alot. i want to make promises, but i don't know if i can, i'm falling. Hard and fast. I hate myself for it. It makes me so angry. I should be smarter than that. I should be able to control myself. the fact tht i can't makes me weak. The horrible things and games going on in my head are unspeakable. When to face them? how? then there is God. What god i think often, then i see him in the little things. I don't know, i'm lost and falling fast.

What to do next???

So camp is camp, a wonderful break from the real world i came from. Nice, kids as challenging as they can be are wonderful, help your patience at least. Teach you alot. Some of the things their innocent eyes have seen. . . i just hope that God can use me to at least help them enjoy a week of pure nature and innocence. I got sick this week and it was interesting, i had to duck out and let myself get sick. stomache flu. . . problem being i could have easily thrown up and felt better but i didn't want to walk down that path. i'll be back to this later. . . long week though, but i'm smiling. God is here and very present in the staff and everything that's been going on. Life is good.